I haven't posted in a while, and so much has been happening. Since April I have met my half-brother, who was also so wonderful and has welcomed me as his long lost sibling. He told me that he hated adoption as he'd lost me to it, but was so happy that I'd had a good life and been brought up so well. Both mum and him say how proud they are of me. It's everything I've ever wanted to hear as I always wanted to prove that my mother was right in choosing not to abort, and prove that I could lead a happy and fulfilled life, despite my adoption.
All my life I have longed for my birth family, feeling guilty for doing so as if it's disloyal to my adoptive family. The truth is that I have two families though and despite their different places and roles in my life, they both hold a place in my heart.
More good news is that my younger half-sister, who only found out about me back in January/February has been emailing me and seems to be happy to get to know me. I'm hoping to meet her and my brother's new fiancée soon. I'm so pleased that my sister has accepted my existence so well, as my half-sister on my father's side, despite being much older, still wants nothing to do with me. This does hurt, especially as she's now pregnant and I know I may never get to meet my niece.
This rejection from my older half-sister is not only painful, but has been giving me nightmares. I dreamt the other night that she met me and threw a pan of boiling oil over me to disfigure me so I'd never be recognised as her sibling. Obviously this is just my fears and issues coming to a disturbing head as I sleep, but it terrified me. I just don't want to upset anyone, but at the same time I want to scream that I was the innocent baby, why should I tip-toe round everyone else? It wasn't my fault and yet I have suffered the most. When I try to say that to my adoptive parents, they get hurt as they think I'm saying that I have suffered with them. I'm not, it's no-ones fault. I can't blame anyone for what happened. I could try and blame my birth father for leaving my mother, or blame his wife for asking for him back. Maybe I could blame my mother's husband for not being able to raise a child that wasn't his or my birth mother for not leaving him and raising my brother and me alone. None of this would be constructive. What's done is done. I know I am one of the few adoptees that can say that I understand my mother's reasons, I forgive her and believe that she did the best thing for all concerned. At the very least I can say that if I had stayed with her, she may never have had my other half-sister, who is lovely, so that is definitely one good thing that's come out of this.
However, I do not want any mothers who are considering adoption to read this and see my 'good' experience as a green light to give their baby up. I am a lucky one, and I still feel pain. I can't count the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep calling out for my birth mother. Any mother who can feasibly raise their child well should do so and not be pressured by adoption agencies, especially in America where too much money is involved for them to be fair and impartial. A child is always best off with their natural mother, except in a few choice circumstances. Always do what's best for the child, not the agency, not the adoptive parents. The child should always come first. Remember, you cannot guarantee giving them a better life, but you can guarantee that they will feel the pain that comes with losing your birth family.
What it all boils down to is that there are people worse off than me in life and there is nothing to hold me back, I am strong, healthy and intelligent. I have family and friends who love me. What more can I ask for? I will always have the pain of knowing that my birth family gave me up, but now I've found them I can at least move forward knowing that they (for the most part) love me too and will be there for the rest of my life.
The 19yrs they've missed? Their loss. Here's to the next 19!
