Life In Reunion.

I haven't posted in a while, and so much has been happening. Since April I have met my half-brother, who was also so wonderful and has welcomed me as his long lost sibling. He told me that he hated adoption as he'd lost me to it, but was so happy that I'd had a good life and been brought up so well. Both mum and him say how proud they are of me. It's everything I've ever wanted to hear as I always wanted to prove that my mother was right in choosing not to abort, and prove that I could lead a happy and fulfilled life, despite my adoption.

All my life I have longed for my birth family, feeling guilty for doing so as if it's disloyal to my adoptive family. The truth is that I have two families though and despite their different places and roles in my life, they both hold a place in my heart.

More good news is that my younger half-sister, who only found out about me back in January/February has been emailing me and seems to be happy to get to know me. I'm hoping to meet her and my brother's new fiancée soon. I'm so pleased that my sister has accepted my existence so well, as my half-sister on my father's side, despite being much older, still wants nothing to do with me. This does hurt, especially as she's now pregnant and I know I may never get to meet my niece.

This rejection from my older half-sister is not only painful, but has been giving me nightmares. I dreamt the other night that she met me and threw a pan of boiling oil over me to disfigure me so I'd never be recognised as her sibling. Obviously this is just my fears and issues coming to a disturbing head as I sleep, but it terrified me. I just don't want to upset anyone, but at the same time I want to scream that I was the innocent baby, why should I tip-toe round everyone else? It wasn't my fault and yet I have suffered the most. When I try to say that to my adoptive parents, they get hurt as they think I'm saying that I have suffered with them. I'm not, it's no-ones fault. I can't blame anyone for what happened. I could try and blame my birth father for leaving my mother, or blame his wife for asking for him back. Maybe I could blame my mother's husband for not being able to raise a child that wasn't his or my birth mother for not leaving him and raising my brother and me alone. None of this would be constructive. What's done is done. I know I am one of the few adoptees that can say that I understand my mother's reasons, I forgive her and believe that she did the best thing for all concerned. At the very least I can say that if I had stayed with her, she may never have had my other half-sister, who is lovely, so that is definitely one good thing that's come out of this.

However, I do not want any mothers who are considering adoption to read this and see my 'good' experience as a green light to give their baby up. I am a lucky one, and I still feel pain. I can't count the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep calling out for my birth mother. Any mother who can feasibly raise their child well should do so and not be pressured by adoption agencies, especially in America where too much money is involved for them to be fair and impartial. A child is always best off with their natural mother, except in a few choice circumstances. Always do what's best for the child, not the agency, not the adoptive parents. The child should always come first. Remember, you cannot guarantee giving them a better life, but you can guarantee that they will feel the pain that comes with losing your birth family.

What it all boils down to is that there are people worse off than me in life and there is nothing to hold me back, I am strong, healthy and intelligent. I have family and friends who love me. What more can I ask for? I will always have the pain of knowing that my birth family gave me up, but now I've found them I can at least move forward knowing that they (for the most part) love me too and will be there for the rest of my life.

The 19yrs they've missed? Their loss. Here's to the next 19!

Parents.

I am due to meet my birth father this Friday. I have very mixed feelings about this. Whilst I am thrilled that he has agreed to meet with me, I am also aware that this is the man who abandoned my mother whilst she was pregnant with me, leading to her resenting me so much that with it being too late for an abortion she gave me up for adoption.

My adoptive parents have tried to talk to me about Friday, but I often find myself snapping at them, saying I don't want to talk about it.

The truth is, I'm so scared. Scared he won't turn up. Scared he'll hate me and reject me again. Scared he won't want to see me again.

I've tried talking to my parents about my fears but they find it hard to understand.

In general, my adoptive parents have been very supportive, they are coming with me and have known that this is what I have wanted my whole life, but they do not understand what it feels like to be me.

They seem to think I'm over dramatic about being adopted because I have a fear of rejection, I hate asking people for things in case they say no, I always have and yet my mother is now saying that I've given this to myself since reading a book on being adopted.

Often I find when talking about adoption, that my parents don't see it as a big deal, they've read books on adoption but they say they are over dramatic and 'American.' I have to admit that some parts are, but others that they casually ignore are actually very true for me.

When talking about adoption I am often told by my parents to consider their feelings, by searching for my birth family I am dragging up a painful past for them where they had to go through not being able to have their own children. I understand this, but don't see how they can expect me to take their feelings into consideration, when often my feelings are ignored. As an adoptive child I do have a natural fear of rejection and the first rule when bringing up and adopted child is never to them that they are unwanted, yet when my parents and I argue, they have told me over and over again to leave, that I am not wanted here, to go to the YMCA. It hurts so much and I know I push them to it, I know that I have not been the easiest child to bring up, but I don't understand why they have to lash out like that.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful, I just think they find it hard to understand and when I do open up and tell them how much I'm hurting they brush it aside and tell me I'm being melodramatic. Maybe that's how they deal with it. I don't know, I just want to urge anyone who reads this who brings up an adopted child, never take anything they say lightly and never, ever tell them that they are unwanted or to leave home. I cannot stress how much that hurts me and adopted children tend to push their adoptive parents to it, but really, it's the worst thing you can say to us.

Anyway, I expect my next blog will be after the meeting with my father so I guess I'll just have to see how things go from here.

today.

Today was an average day.
I'm still waiting to meet my birth father, we should be arranging a date soon.


But.

I just cannot get over how much I want my birth mother and half brother. I just really want to see them, I've found them on facebook, but I know that it is not sensible to contact them through that.

I want them to contact me so badly.

Why aren't they looking for me?

Why aren't they on the contact register, or one of the many adoption re-union groups online?

Why?

Why aren't they looking for me?

Why aren't they looking for me?