To begin with...

I'm not entirely sure why I am doing this. I don't know whether there are many other blogs like this out there but I feel the need to do one, to at least document my story and my search for my lost family.

Whether this is for myself, to open up anonymously, for others to read and maybe understand a little bit more about adoption or for other people directly affected by adoption, I hope that it provides some insight either way into life as an adoptee.

I already keep various online blogs on myspace etc, these are reserved for my rants about global warming, late buses, exams, public swimming pools etc etc, mainly read by my friends they are apparently quite a source of amusement.

As this is an anonymous blog I write under the name Maria Wren, any other names featured will, of course have been changed from the originals to protect identity.

Let's start with a few basics.
I'm 18 years old.
I live in South-East England UK.
I was given up for adoption when I was a baby.
I am currently searching for my birth family.

This is my story.

I am a 'lovechild'

lovechild - a child born out of wedlock, the nice way of saying 'illegitimate,' 'bastard' etc etc
my parents were married - just not to each other.

Without going into too much detail, I was the result of an affair, one in which both my mother and father left their spouses and planned to start a new life together, with me.

Unfortunately, my father left my mother when she was a few months pregnant with me. He went back to his previous family. My mother, hurt and betrayed, found that it was too late for an abortion and, fearing that she would resent me for what my father did, made plans for me to be adopted and returned to her husband to rebuild her marriage

A few months later I was born. I was in a foster home after leaving the hospital for a few weeks, where I am told my mother did visit before my adoptive parents took me home. My father never saw me.

I have known my whole life that I was adopted. I had a few photos of my birth family and a little bit of information about their backgrounds. As I have grown up this information has gradually increased as my adoptive parents deemed I was ready, letters, more photos etc etc. When I was 14 a letterbox contact started with my birth father, whom I write to around once a year. I have known my whole life that I wanted to try and contact my birth family. I am very guilty of adoptee fantasy, any face in a crowd that even vaguely resembled the old photos I had of my mother would set my heart racing. I can remember vividly, being about 12 and convincing myself that a woman I saw on a ferry once was my mother. I could not take my eyes off her. She must have thought I was mad.

Turning 18 in November meant that I could finally start searching properly. I began by contacting a local kinship and adoption agency, after a meeting with them they put together my file, collecting all the information available surrounding my adoption, my birth certificate, medical history, the reports from social services at the time, everything. I was lucky in that I already had a lot of it. I already knew my birth parents names, my original name, had copies of my adoption certificate. I was confident that I knew all the details that they were giving me.

Unfortunately I didn't. There were a few nasty surprises. I didn't know about my mother's resentment towards me. I didn't know that she had wanted an abortion originally. I didn't realise how much she wanted rid of me, not wanting to keep me in any situation. My mother, the woman whose face I had searched for in every crowd, the woman I had set up high on a pedestal, the woman I loved and was loyal to, despite her absence. My mother hadn't wanted me at all, my vain misconception that she had desperately wanted me but was forced to give me up because of difficult circumstances was a lie. My fairytale was in tatters.

I was crushed.

This happened a few weeks ago. However, determined not to lose heart, I have since phoned my social worker and asked her to go ahead with finding my mother. I am waiting for a phonecall now to tell me whether they have found her or not, and to ask whether I want them to initiate contact. I am terrified. Terrified of being rejected again. Terrified she won't want me. Terrified she'll still hate me for my father's actions 18 years ago. I know she has since 'replaced' me with another daughter, who I found on facebook a few months before I turned 18. A bizarre and hurtful experience to say the least.

Meanwhile I have written to my birth father and asked if he would be willing to take our contact further and meet, so we can talk. I haven't received a reply yet, but I only sent that last week.

This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. I am unfortunate that all this has happened at the same time as very complicated relationship problems. As an adoptee I don't handle rejection well. I can't even order an ice cream without being scared they'll say no. I don't let people in too close. I let one in close last year and he broke my heart. I have come to understand the hard way that people always leave. I had only just got over the first heartbreak when the next one came along. I am coping. I get up. I get on with it, knowing that if I act like nothing is wrong, then maybe I can convince myself that everything's okay. I don't want to sound like an emo teenager moaning about how crap their life is blah blah blah. I am sorry if I come across too moany.

This is a hard time, but I am hoping that things are going to get better. I am hoping that I will come to terms with my adoption and that I'll be able to move on. I am hoping that my fear of rejection will heal. I am hoping that my relationship with my adoptive parents will improve. I know they are hurting too. We are arguing a lot and I was told only last night that they wanted me to leave home as they didn't want me anymore. Double rejection. I am hoping that this blog will provide space for me to vent and to discuss my own feelings without fear of being judged. And maybe if there is even just one person out there who reads this and understand what I am going through, then they will know that they are not alone.

I recently discovered a facebook group called 'I Am Adopted -The Many Faces Of Adoption.'
On there I found this summing up of what it means to be adopted:

"I am adopted. I am a child who was abandoned and chosen, lost and found, given up and loved. I know I am not the only person in the world to have been hurt, and it would be stupid of me to assume that I have been hurt the most. I only know that I need to say this out loud, because the thought of keeping it to myself forever hurts too much."

I think that is also why I am keeping this blog. Because the thought of keeping this to myself forever does hurt too much.