Meeting My Birth Father.

So yesterday I met my birth father. I have never been so nervous about anything in my life. Walking into the hotel where we were due to be meeting felt like the scariest thing ever.

I did it though and yes he did turn up. Which was a good start. I have to admit that for the first 5-10 minutes I reverted back to childhood and clammed up and went all shy and I just wanted to hide behind my adoptive parents.

After a while though I settled into it and it got less weird, we chatted about everyday things really and I showed him some pictures of myself growing up.

The heartbreaking part was when we got talking about the events surrounding my adoption. I knew the story pretty well, but it was interesting hearing it from his point of view. I found out just how few rights he had when it came to my adoption. He didn't want me to be given up but had no choice, in fact my mother's husband had more rights than him! He never saw me because he couldn't face saying goodbye and he has waited 18yrs to finally see me. We also found out that whilst my adoptive parents were asked to write a letter documenting my growing up for my birth parents until i was 5, these were never collected because he had no idea that this was available for him, he was quite upset about this understandably and it seems that the system failed here as we could have been in contact many years before. But that's said and done and there's nothing we can do about that now.

I'm so glad I've met him and we have swapped details so we can keep in contact and hopefully he can be part of my life now, he doesn't live too far from me so it shouldn't be too hard.

Now I just have to see if things go as well when it comes to contacting my birth mother.

I'm meeting my birth father today....

I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today


I feel sick.

Parents.

I am due to meet my birth father this Friday. I have very mixed feelings about this. Whilst I am thrilled that he has agreed to meet with me, I am also aware that this is the man who abandoned my mother whilst she was pregnant with me, leading to her resenting me so much that with it being too late for an abortion she gave me up for adoption.

My adoptive parents have tried to talk to me about Friday, but I often find myself snapping at them, saying I don't want to talk about it.

The truth is, I'm so scared. Scared he won't turn up. Scared he'll hate me and reject me again. Scared he won't want to see me again.

I've tried talking to my parents about my fears but they find it hard to understand.

In general, my adoptive parents have been very supportive, they are coming with me and have known that this is what I have wanted my whole life, but they do not understand what it feels like to be me.

They seem to think I'm over dramatic about being adopted because I have a fear of rejection, I hate asking people for things in case they say no, I always have and yet my mother is now saying that I've given this to myself since reading a book on being adopted.

Often I find when talking about adoption, that my parents don't see it as a big deal, they've read books on adoption but they say they are over dramatic and 'American.' I have to admit that some parts are, but others that they casually ignore are actually very true for me.

When talking about adoption I am often told by my parents to consider their feelings, by searching for my birth family I am dragging up a painful past for them where they had to go through not being able to have their own children. I understand this, but don't see how they can expect me to take their feelings into consideration, when often my feelings are ignored. As an adoptive child I do have a natural fear of rejection and the first rule when bringing up and adopted child is never to them that they are unwanted, yet when my parents and I argue, they have told me over and over again to leave, that I am not wanted here, to go to the YMCA. It hurts so much and I know I push them to it, I know that I have not been the easiest child to bring up, but I don't understand why they have to lash out like that.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful, I just think they find it hard to understand and when I do open up and tell them how much I'm hurting they brush it aside and tell me I'm being melodramatic. Maybe that's how they deal with it. I don't know, I just want to urge anyone who reads this who brings up an adopted child, never take anything they say lightly and never, ever tell them that they are unwanted or to leave home. I cannot stress how much that hurts me and adopted children tend to push their adoptive parents to it, but really, it's the worst thing you can say to us.

Anyway, I expect my next blog will be after the meeting with my father so I guess I'll just have to see how things go from here.