But you know what, I am going to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I think I spend too much energy trying to be nice to everyone and tell both my families that I'm okay because I can't bear the idea of hurting the people I love with this burden that in reality I'm really not over the moon about being adopted. And it's not because of anything my adoptive family have or haven't done, I'm not even angry at my natural family because I just love them so much. I'm just so angry at my life. I hate that at any given time of any day I can just burst into tears, I hate that whenever I sleep alone I find myself sobbing into my pillow. I feel like the rest of the unadopted world is strolling along at a nice normal pace and to try and keep up with the normality I'm having to run. I'm exhausted.
Yesterday I was walking to a seminar at uni and Avril Lavigne - I'm With You came onto my ipod. Suddenly I fighting back tears and couldn't get the image of myself as a baby lost and scared wandering where mummy had gone, before being taken home with strangers. Half of this pain I think is pity for my baby self. I must have been so confused. The worst part about being adopted at birth is that everyone assumes that it has no effect on you whatsoever, everyone just thinks you're fine and if you even slightly let on that you're not, they look at you like you're mental.
If my parents had died when I was young, then people wouldn't think I was weird to miss them, but mine didn't die, worse, they CHOSE not to be a part of my life. And for some reason I'm not supposed to be upset about that, because I was 'too young to understand.' I could insert here plenty of quotes from adoption studies of from 'The Primal Wound,' to illustrate my point, but I have to leave for my lecture in two minutes or I'll be late.
So you'll just have to take my word for it. Being adopted sucks. I don't think I'll ever get my head round this pain, I don't think I'll ever stop crying about it. And worst of all, unless they're adopted nobody can, or even tries to understand.
Thanks for commenting on my blog. What you may not understand about the grants, is they allow families to consider adopting who might not otherwise consider it because it is a huge financial undertaking. Not everyone has $20,000 sitting around to complete an international adoption. Several hundred families within the Reece's Rainbow community spent several weeks fundraising to put together the grant for this child to help her find a family. Yes, it is sad that adoption is so expensive. Most of the fees are paid right here on the US side of the adoption!!! If this child does not find a family soon she will be transferred. Do you know what that means for a child with disabilities in Eastern Europe? http://tinyurl.com/2bt54w2 I recommend you read The Boy From Baby House 10, just published in 2009. Check out the reports from MDRI http://tinyurl.com/ylkt9xm from 2007 in Serbia. While the Kulina institution has changed SOME, it is still very much open, as are all the others. The children we're adopting were/are to be sent to these very institutions. These are the children Reece's Rainbow is fighting for. We're trying to save their lives.
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