Parents.

I am due to meet my birth father this Friday. I have very mixed feelings about this. Whilst I am thrilled that he has agreed to meet with me, I am also aware that this is the man who abandoned my mother whilst she was pregnant with me, leading to her resenting me so much that with it being too late for an abortion she gave me up for adoption.

My adoptive parents have tried to talk to me about Friday, but I often find myself snapping at them, saying I don't want to talk about it.

The truth is, I'm so scared. Scared he won't turn up. Scared he'll hate me and reject me again. Scared he won't want to see me again.

I've tried talking to my parents about my fears but they find it hard to understand.

In general, my adoptive parents have been very supportive, they are coming with me and have known that this is what I have wanted my whole life, but they do not understand what it feels like to be me.

They seem to think I'm over dramatic about being adopted because I have a fear of rejection, I hate asking people for things in case they say no, I always have and yet my mother is now saying that I've given this to myself since reading a book on being adopted.

Often I find when talking about adoption, that my parents don't see it as a big deal, they've read books on adoption but they say they are over dramatic and 'American.' I have to admit that some parts are, but others that they casually ignore are actually very true for me.

When talking about adoption I am often told by my parents to consider their feelings, by searching for my birth family I am dragging up a painful past for them where they had to go through not being able to have their own children. I understand this, but don't see how they can expect me to take their feelings into consideration, when often my feelings are ignored. As an adoptive child I do have a natural fear of rejection and the first rule when bringing up and adopted child is never to them that they are unwanted, yet when my parents and I argue, they have told me over and over again to leave, that I am not wanted here, to go to the YMCA. It hurts so much and I know I push them to it, I know that I have not been the easiest child to bring up, but I don't understand why they have to lash out like that.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful, I just think they find it hard to understand and when I do open up and tell them how much I'm hurting they brush it aside and tell me I'm being melodramatic. Maybe that's how they deal with it. I don't know, I just want to urge anyone who reads this who brings up an adopted child, never take anything they say lightly and never, ever tell them that they are unwanted or to leave home. I cannot stress how much that hurts me and adopted children tend to push their adoptive parents to it, but really, it's the worst thing you can say to us.

Anyway, I expect my next blog will be after the meeting with my father so I guess I'll just have to see how things go from here.