Meeting My Birth Father.

So yesterday I met my birth father. I have never been so nervous about anything in my life. Walking into the hotel where we were due to be meeting felt like the scariest thing ever.

I did it though and yes he did turn up. Which was a good start. I have to admit that for the first 5-10 minutes I reverted back to childhood and clammed up and went all shy and I just wanted to hide behind my adoptive parents.

After a while though I settled into it and it got less weird, we chatted about everyday things really and I showed him some pictures of myself growing up.

The heartbreaking part was when we got talking about the events surrounding my adoption. I knew the story pretty well, but it was interesting hearing it from his point of view. I found out just how few rights he had when it came to my adoption. He didn't want me to be given up but had no choice, in fact my mother's husband had more rights than him! He never saw me because he couldn't face saying goodbye and he has waited 18yrs to finally see me. We also found out that whilst my adoptive parents were asked to write a letter documenting my growing up for my birth parents until i was 5, these were never collected because he had no idea that this was available for him, he was quite upset about this understandably and it seems that the system failed here as we could have been in contact many years before. But that's said and done and there's nothing we can do about that now.

I'm so glad I've met him and we have swapped details so we can keep in contact and hopefully he can be part of my life now, he doesn't live too far from me so it shouldn't be too hard.

Now I just have to see if things go as well when it comes to contacting my birth mother.

I'm meeting my birth father today....

I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today
I'm meeting my birth father today


I feel sick.

Parents.

I am due to meet my birth father this Friday. I have very mixed feelings about this. Whilst I am thrilled that he has agreed to meet with me, I am also aware that this is the man who abandoned my mother whilst she was pregnant with me, leading to her resenting me so much that with it being too late for an abortion she gave me up for adoption.

My adoptive parents have tried to talk to me about Friday, but I often find myself snapping at them, saying I don't want to talk about it.

The truth is, I'm so scared. Scared he won't turn up. Scared he'll hate me and reject me again. Scared he won't want to see me again.

I've tried talking to my parents about my fears but they find it hard to understand.

In general, my adoptive parents have been very supportive, they are coming with me and have known that this is what I have wanted my whole life, but they do not understand what it feels like to be me.

They seem to think I'm over dramatic about being adopted because I have a fear of rejection, I hate asking people for things in case they say no, I always have and yet my mother is now saying that I've given this to myself since reading a book on being adopted.

Often I find when talking about adoption, that my parents don't see it as a big deal, they've read books on adoption but they say they are over dramatic and 'American.' I have to admit that some parts are, but others that they casually ignore are actually very true for me.

When talking about adoption I am often told by my parents to consider their feelings, by searching for my birth family I am dragging up a painful past for them where they had to go through not being able to have their own children. I understand this, but don't see how they can expect me to take their feelings into consideration, when often my feelings are ignored. As an adoptive child I do have a natural fear of rejection and the first rule when bringing up and adopted child is never to them that they are unwanted, yet when my parents and I argue, they have told me over and over again to leave, that I am not wanted here, to go to the YMCA. It hurts so much and I know I push them to it, I know that I have not been the easiest child to bring up, but I don't understand why they have to lash out like that.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful, I just think they find it hard to understand and when I do open up and tell them how much I'm hurting they brush it aside and tell me I'm being melodramatic. Maybe that's how they deal with it. I don't know, I just want to urge anyone who reads this who brings up an adopted child, never take anything they say lightly and never, ever tell them that they are unwanted or to leave home. I cannot stress how much that hurts me and adopted children tend to push their adoptive parents to it, but really, it's the worst thing you can say to us.

Anyway, I expect my next blog will be after the meeting with my father so I guess I'll just have to see how things go from here.

today.

Today was an average day.
I'm still waiting to meet my birth father, we should be arranging a date soon.


But.

I just cannot get over how much I want my birth mother and half brother. I just really want to see them, I've found them on facebook, but I know that it is not sensible to contact them through that.

I want them to contact me so badly.

Why aren't they looking for me?

Why aren't they on the contact register, or one of the many adoption re-union groups online?

Why?

Why aren't they looking for me?

Why aren't they looking for me?

Unexpected Disappointment.

The other day I went to visit my social worker at her office to talk about a reunion with my birth father.
She told me that upon receiving my letter he immediately phoned and told her that he'd like to see me and was excited at the prospect.

This has made me very happy. I have been in contact with him for a few years, but I wasn't sure if he'd want to actually see me. I was so relieved when she told me how pleased he was and we discussed options for the meeting where, when, who etc. We have decided that a hotel lounge sort of thing is a good place as it's not too public if things get emotional, but not so private that it's awkward. Both my adoptive parents are coming and my social workers. We haven't agreed on a date yet as my social worker is going to meet with my birth father to go over the details with him first. I have also given her a couple of questions for him so he is prepared for any awkward topics.

I'm really excited and I left her office fairly happy.

Unfortunately the town where my social worker is based is also the same town where my birth mother works/worked. I know this because I found her on friends reunited and on there it had details of the shop she owns. I don't know how old this information is, she may have moved on since updating her profile. I was not planning on going there, but I somehow ended up there. I saw the name of the street I was on and realised that this was the one her shop was on.

Then I saw the shop. I just had to walk past. I could see a woman at the back of the shop with her back towards the window. I didn't think it was her, wrong hair colour and style but I still loitered outside in case she had changed her hair since the last photo I saw of her. After wandering past a couple of times, the woman turned round.

It wasn't her.

I was not prepared for the waves of disappointment that flooded over me. I found that I was shaking and I had to sit down on a nearby step. I have no idea what I would have done if it had been her. I wouldn't have gone in. I think I just wanted to see her face in person. I sat on the step for a few minutes, wondering if maybe she was on a break and maybe she'd suddenly come round the corner. She didn't. I don't know what I was thinking, or doing, I just knew that I desperately wanted to see my mother and that I was incredibly sad that she wasn't there.

I pulled myself together and left.

To begin with...

I'm not entirely sure why I am doing this. I don't know whether there are many other blogs like this out there but I feel the need to do one, to at least document my story and my search for my lost family.

Whether this is for myself, to open up anonymously, for others to read and maybe understand a little bit more about adoption or for other people directly affected by adoption, I hope that it provides some insight either way into life as an adoptee.

I already keep various online blogs on myspace etc, these are reserved for my rants about global warming, late buses, exams, public swimming pools etc etc, mainly read by my friends they are apparently quite a source of amusement.

As this is an anonymous blog I write under the name Maria Wren, any other names featured will, of course have been changed from the originals to protect identity.

Let's start with a few basics.
I'm 18 years old.
I live in South-East England UK.
I was given up for adoption when I was a baby.
I am currently searching for my birth family.

This is my story.

I am a 'lovechild'

lovechild - a child born out of wedlock, the nice way of saying 'illegitimate,' 'bastard' etc etc
my parents were married - just not to each other.

Without going into too much detail, I was the result of an affair, one in which both my mother and father left their spouses and planned to start a new life together, with me.

Unfortunately, my father left my mother when she was a few months pregnant with me. He went back to his previous family. My mother, hurt and betrayed, found that it was too late for an abortion and, fearing that she would resent me for what my father did, made plans for me to be adopted and returned to her husband to rebuild her marriage

A few months later I was born. I was in a foster home after leaving the hospital for a few weeks, where I am told my mother did visit before my adoptive parents took me home. My father never saw me.

I have known my whole life that I was adopted. I had a few photos of my birth family and a little bit of information about their backgrounds. As I have grown up this information has gradually increased as my adoptive parents deemed I was ready, letters, more photos etc etc. When I was 14 a letterbox contact started with my birth father, whom I write to around once a year. I have known my whole life that I wanted to try and contact my birth family. I am very guilty of adoptee fantasy, any face in a crowd that even vaguely resembled the old photos I had of my mother would set my heart racing. I can remember vividly, being about 12 and convincing myself that a woman I saw on a ferry once was my mother. I could not take my eyes off her. She must have thought I was mad.

Turning 18 in November meant that I could finally start searching properly. I began by contacting a local kinship and adoption agency, after a meeting with them they put together my file, collecting all the information available surrounding my adoption, my birth certificate, medical history, the reports from social services at the time, everything. I was lucky in that I already had a lot of it. I already knew my birth parents names, my original name, had copies of my adoption certificate. I was confident that I knew all the details that they were giving me.

Unfortunately I didn't. There were a few nasty surprises. I didn't know about my mother's resentment towards me. I didn't know that she had wanted an abortion originally. I didn't realise how much she wanted rid of me, not wanting to keep me in any situation. My mother, the woman whose face I had searched for in every crowd, the woman I had set up high on a pedestal, the woman I loved and was loyal to, despite her absence. My mother hadn't wanted me at all, my vain misconception that she had desperately wanted me but was forced to give me up because of difficult circumstances was a lie. My fairytale was in tatters.

I was crushed.

This happened a few weeks ago. However, determined not to lose heart, I have since phoned my social worker and asked her to go ahead with finding my mother. I am waiting for a phonecall now to tell me whether they have found her or not, and to ask whether I want them to initiate contact. I am terrified. Terrified of being rejected again. Terrified she won't want me. Terrified she'll still hate me for my father's actions 18 years ago. I know she has since 'replaced' me with another daughter, who I found on facebook a few months before I turned 18. A bizarre and hurtful experience to say the least.

Meanwhile I have written to my birth father and asked if he would be willing to take our contact further and meet, so we can talk. I haven't received a reply yet, but I only sent that last week.

This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. I am unfortunate that all this has happened at the same time as very complicated relationship problems. As an adoptee I don't handle rejection well. I can't even order an ice cream without being scared they'll say no. I don't let people in too close. I let one in close last year and he broke my heart. I have come to understand the hard way that people always leave. I had only just got over the first heartbreak when the next one came along. I am coping. I get up. I get on with it, knowing that if I act like nothing is wrong, then maybe I can convince myself that everything's okay. I don't want to sound like an emo teenager moaning about how crap their life is blah blah blah. I am sorry if I come across too moany.

This is a hard time, but I am hoping that things are going to get better. I am hoping that I will come to terms with my adoption and that I'll be able to move on. I am hoping that my fear of rejection will heal. I am hoping that my relationship with my adoptive parents will improve. I know they are hurting too. We are arguing a lot and I was told only last night that they wanted me to leave home as they didn't want me anymore. Double rejection. I am hoping that this blog will provide space for me to vent and to discuss my own feelings without fear of being judged. And maybe if there is even just one person out there who reads this and understand what I am going through, then they will know that they are not alone.

I recently discovered a facebook group called 'I Am Adopted -The Many Faces Of Adoption.'
On there I found this summing up of what it means to be adopted:

"I am adopted. I am a child who was abandoned and chosen, lost and found, given up and loved. I know I am not the only person in the world to have been hurt, and it would be stupid of me to assume that I have been hurt the most. I only know that I need to say this out loud, because the thought of keeping it to myself forever hurts too much."

I think that is also why I am keeping this blog. Because the thought of keeping this to myself forever does hurt too much.